2012, the year of ME!

I made quite a few resolutions - besides a diet, of course - for the new year and have been working at keeping up with them so I don't start off the new year totally wrong.

I recently remembered that I can't be positive in my life or focus on doing what I need to if I'm not happy with where I'm at.  Weight is just one aspect of a life that's out of control and fixing that alone doesn't make all my other problems go away.  I don't want to continue living feeling like life is just passing by me, like I'm just responding to the things that need to be done but I'm not really enjoying all that's around me.  That's my underwater feeling.  It's having a baby, a household, a career and a husband who helps but not quite enough stuff that I have to be responsible for.  What woman's world isn't this or something close?  How does everyone else handle it and not be a massive over-eating stressy mess?

So, it's the year of me.  That's what I have labeled 2012.  I'm getting my house in order.  Literally and figuratively.  My resolutions:  diet, of course.  I want to lose 100 pounds by December when I turn 40.  I want to spending some time each day to work on keeping the house cleaner (it looked like a bomb hit it before Friday). I want to do more things that I like to do such as going to the movies, reading, cooking, drinking.  I want to make Christmas stockings for my family this year, which calls for learning to sew, etc..  I have specific plans for growing my business.  I'm planning to spend more time with my family - take a trip to the beach with my sisters, neice, nephew and mother.  I want to do more of what I want and less of what I don't and not feel bad or selfish for it.  That cover's just about every aspect of life, right?  .

I needed to start getting life in order so that I could start the diet.  I took off from work on Friday.  I worked on cleaning up the house, I spent an hour sitting outside in the sun talking to two of my neighbors and I went to see a movie by myself.  I've never ventured into a movie theatre alone before so that's actually kind of proud of myself for doing something I wanted instead of waiting for someone to go with me and, as usually happens, not going at all.

I walked with my family around the lake two days last week.  It felt good to be outside huffing and puffing.  I have been reading a book called Win by Frank Luntz for over a month.  It's an inspiring book that I think will help in my business but I've let everything else get in the way of finishing it.  I intend to finish it up in the next week. 

I went grocery shopping yesterday.  Didn't buy any junk.  But I found some cookies that I had hidden in the kitchen from everyone else.  I finished them off last night silently and alone in my bedroom.  I've taken many good steps in the new year but just wanted to show you the uphill battle I have. 

I need to continually work on finding that happy spot - what ever it is on any given day - and not allow emotions or people or anything else to bring me down.  This is the total sum of my new year's resolution.

Diet starts on Monday and I'll start posting my weight again and keep you updated on my progress. 

I am...

..Blessed.
..Beautiful.
..Smart.
..Determined.
..Successful.
..Blessed.  It's so true that I need to say it twice.
..Going to be just fine.

It's a new year and a fresh start.   I have many resolutions that I've had before but I feel I have the ability to tackle them like never before.  My biggest goal is to maintain this enthusiasm because, with it, I can accomplish anything.

2012: The Year of ME! 

Bring it.

The occupiers of my head

Weight:  I stopped checking for the time being.

Random thoughts...

My head is a jumbled up mess with a thousand things knocking around.  I feel like I can mostly focus on what I need to during the day but in those off hours everything comes creeping in and occupies me.  They try to take control and beat me up and wear me down.  I'm like Jekyll and Hyde.

I'm so exhausted.  I am going from the time the baby wakes up in the morning until the baby goes to sleep.  And I'm ready to crash by then, too.  There's no time in my day that is just mine, unless I stay up late.  I just want a little peace that's mine in my day.  Time that's my time.  At a normal hour.  You know?  Are people with kids able to have that in their lives or do I have to wait for a long while to get it?

I have such a respect for single parents and families with multiple children.  I don't know how people do it. 

I spoke to my younger sister this morning.  She was crying uncontrollably about how much she was missing our dad.  There were things she didn't get to tell him, she says, and he shouldn't have died yet.  We talked about it all for a bit and when I called her back this evening she said she was feeling better.  It just makes me sad to see my family so upset.  It's hard for me to hear that raw pain on the other side of the phone.  I know we're all feeling it, though, especially as we all try to live with the huge gaping hole in our lives where my dad used to be.

A "friend" on Facebook wrote this as one of her posts today: 
      "My pet peeves: complaining about a situation that you're in total control of and do nothing to
       change it.  "oh I'm so over weight... Lets eat some mcdonalds."" 
I don't like to make excuses for my weight or my life or anything that I am or should be in control of, but it just makes me wonder why I'm not.  Are emotional food issues like drug or alcohol addiction?  I feel like I should be in control of my choices...just don't get why I can't (don't, won't...).

I realized over the weekend that something that a friend has been telling me really is true.  It's like a "ding, ding, ding" moment.  She's been saying for months that I don't prioritize myself, that I put everyone before me.  I always agree with her.  I do know she's right.  But this weekend it really hit me with how much it was true.  I feel sometimes like a host body, just moving and acting and getting things done but I'm not really in it.  I'm just going through the motions.  I realized that I over-promise and under-deliver in my quest to please everyone.  Believe me, I know that's the worst.  I have such an understanding of boundaries and the need for them but, boy, I must have pretty big lines set around me.  I just didn't realize it.

I need to learn how to say that big ol' "NO" more.  I need to remember that I am first responsible for my self and my happinness before anything else.  I need to believe that, by doing this, I'll have more happinness and success around me.

Today was the last day that I will be drinking soda or sweet tea.  One of my meals will be a salad.  And I will drink water.  And also continue walking.  I'm working on baby steps until January when I will restart the Quick Weight Loss diet that I have all the pills and stuff for.  It's not perfect but it's a start.  And I'm okay with that for now.

Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright

Okay, so maybe it's not Christmas weather out there today but I can't help but be in a good mood with this beautiful weather and warm sun shining down!  Plus, it's Friday!  I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend, some good football and getting the house decorated for Christmas.  This is the first year my son is really aware of the lights and decorations so it'll be fun to watch him enjoy it all.  Christmas is my absolute favorite season.

My co-worker read something to me from a book she has.  The beginning of the quote is "Procrastination is a thief."  Can't find truer words than that.  I need a plan of action here before I allow more time to be stolen from me.

Happy weekend!

I'm drowning...

Current Weight: 322

No posts since May...and obviously no weight loss.

I'm having the roughest time lately and I don't know how to snap out of it.  I wish things were as easy as just being able to "snap out of it".   Wait, are they?  I need focus, I need energy, I need some happiness.  I'm working on it, though, and that's sometimes all you can do.  I guess.

My dad passed away in July.  He and my mom were visiting for the 4th and, after passing out at the airport and having a pacemaker put in, he died in his sleep at my home.  It was totally unexpected.  I used to talk to him almost every day and I'm feeling more down than ever about not having him here.  I never felt like he was the glue that held us all together but somehow that's what it was.  My sisters and I worry a lot about my mom and the hold that my brother now has on her.  It's created problems that would never be if he were here.  It's all too much to write about here, that messy family stuff, but it's all there knocking around in the back of my head and silently consuming energy.

My friends wedding took place a week after my dad's funeral.  I got the second dress altered.  It fit okay when I went into the seamstress but didn't fit so well when I got dressed at the wedding.  Hard to believe I could gain enough weight in just in a few weeks to have such a tight dress.  I felt awful and looked awful.  Maybe I'll be brave one day and post that picture.  I was there for my friend, though, and did all the good friend stuff someone should do.  I hope she has a long and happy life with her new husband.

So...my dad died from congestive heart failure.  He had it six years ago and was also diagnosed a diabetic.  After getting healthy back then, he managed the illness mostly with his diet.  He really was pretty healthy at the point that he passed away.  Unfortunately, disease takes a toll on the body over time and his heart stopped beating anyway 24 hours after the pacemaker was put in.  If that's not a wake up call to get healthy then what is, right??   

I joined Quick Weight Loss Center about six weeks ago.  Did the online thing to have everything shipped to me.  I got all my food and started day one and blew it by that afternoon.  Never got to day two.  I want to start again but I have a million excuses...Christmas is coming...I have to make cookies for all my clients and how can I not eat them...I'm going to be with my family at Christmas and how can I not be drinking...I do want to make all these pills be useful afterall, right...and so on.  I know that it's ridiculous that I should even have an internal debate about when to start a diet but I guess that's the problem when you have weight and eating issues.

I've spent many months feeling down, feeling lost, drowning in the world around me.  I truly can't comprehend how I can have such a desire to change something but can't.  Nobody's stopping me from exercising or making healthy food choices.  I have a choice to not eat crap when I'm upset, right?  I'm sabatoging myself and I honeslty can't stand it.

I made a decision this week and I was going to focus on positive and stop dwelling.  I'm working on building up my business and am trying not to beat myself up for not getting it done faster.  Slow and steady, I guess, wins the race, right?  My co-worker and I have decided to start walking here at work during the day.  We went today for 20 minutes.  I'm trying to at least cut down on the crap and work on trying to find other outlets to handle my stress/anxiety/depression/etc.

I'm turning 40 next December and I CANNOT go into that decade at this weight.  I've got to get my act together and I've got to lose this weight.  I worry that almost a year ago I said the same thing but something has just got to give on this.  I know that if I can just get started that the excitement of losing weight is a great way to keep going.  So, my two readers, keep tuned in and follow the journey with me.  And if you have helpful suggestions, I'd love the advice.

Until next time (much, much sooner, I promise!),
Bekah

And it begins. Again.

Today's weight 320.4.  Goal by next Tuesday is 2.5 pounds.

Not a perfect day yesterday...trying to eat the crap left in the house.  Had cheerios for breakfast and an iced coffee (larger than I should have but it's that kind of day).  Will work on being on track for the rest, though.

I have been on antibiotics since Sunday for almost ear infections and something close to but not quite strep throat.  My son is also started his third round of antibiotics for a double ear infection that won't go away.  We had fevers all weekend.  My husband, who suffers from depression, is very depressed.  He's decided that all his problems and misery is my fault.  He can't stand living with me.  I'm a negligent parent.  I forced him to have our child.  I am forcing him to divorce me and he'll once again lose out on raising his child (second marriage for him).  As a result of this depression, he can't focus on in work and I am practically the sole money earner.  He's mad that I have my son with a babysitter three times a week - I forced it, he says - but refused to compromise on splitting time during the week so I could focus on getting my work done prior to getting the babysitter.  I get up and work in the middle of the night to catch up on my stuff while he crawls into bed at 9 and sleeps till 8.

My chest is so tight and it's more than my zoloft can handle.  I keep waking up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep.  I'm exhausted.

My life has never been one of balance.  I've been working hard to get good help in place for my son and for my company so that the time I spend with my son is good quality time and he's not just on the floor in my office every day.  I am trying to make sure my clients are serviced the way I know they need to be.  I'm trying to manage my house - unsuccessfully, I might add - with little help from my husband or step son who lives with us.

I don't know if this is everyone's life.  Maybe it's an extreme or it's all relative.  But it's so hard when you're an emotional overeater to make the right choices when you have this kind of crap constantly in your life.  It's hard when you're so exhausted and overworked to get up and go out and exercise your ass off, literally.  But I'm going to, dammit.

The Fat Side of 24

It's officially 2 months before my friends wedding.  4 1/2 months since I said I was starting this diet.  What have I lost  in total?  NOTHING.  What have I gained in total?  5 pounds.

My friend just sent a email this morning saying that they received the dresses from China and they're all running small so they're sending them to us and we need to try them on so they immediately so they can figure out if they need to order more fabric or do something entirely different.  2 months before the wedding.

So, don't even get my started on why anyone in their right mind would order dressed for your wedding from overseas when there are a thousand and one stores here for all the bridesmaids throughout the country to get to and try on a dress.  Insanity.

My dilemma:  I told her to order me a size 22.  I thought I would at least lose one size and would hopefully have lost more so that I could have the dress taken in for the wedding.  But I'm still on the fat side of 24.

I know I've said it in my posts - or at least in my head - but it's time to get serious.  Even if the dress doesn't end up fitting, I want to look better than I do for this wedding and in general.  I hate how I look.  I feel so ugly and can't believe how awful I look in pictures.  Never mind my friend, but I owe it to myself to look as good as I can at this wedding.

So here's my 8 week plan ladies and gentlemen (or just me since no one else reads this):

I want to lose 20 pounds, which comes down to 2.5 per week.  It's a lofty goal, I know, but I think with a good diet and exercise my body will really be shocked into loss for a few weeks.

1.  I will start exercising every day for 30 minutes will up that by 15 minutes every 2 weeks until I'm at an hour.
2.  I will drink only one cup of coffee in the morning (I do add creamer and will not stop that).
3.  I will drink AT LEAST 80 ounces of water every day.
4.  No junk food.  Standard diet - salad, veggies, white meat or fish, etc..
5.  I will write my progress every day in order to try to keep my head clear enough to maintain my focus.

A busy, busy self-owned business, a baby to take care of and a house to manage is a tough combination for someone who's an emotional eater.  I hate that the theory of losing weight, or even managing the weight you lose, is so easy and yet it's so hard to get in the right place to do it.  It's hard not to beat yourself up about it and, in turn, somehow eat more to feel better about it.

8 weeks.  It's all I have left.  I'm past doing this for the wedding.  That passed me by a long time ago.  Now I have to do this for myself.

Until tomorrow, myself...good thoughts.