Weight: I stopped checking for the time being.
Random thoughts...
My head is a jumbled up mess with a thousand things knocking around. I feel like I can mostly focus on what I need to during the day but in those off hours everything comes creeping in and occupies me. They try to take control and beat me up and wear me down. I'm like Jekyll and Hyde.
I'm so exhausted. I am going from the time the baby wakes up in the morning until the baby goes to sleep. And I'm ready to crash by then, too. There's no time in my day that is just mine, unless I stay up late. I just want a little peace that's mine in my day. Time that's my time. At a normal hour. You know? Are people with kids able to have that in their lives or do I have to wait for a long while to get it?
I have such a respect for single parents and families with multiple children. I don't know how people do it.
I spoke to my younger sister this morning. She was crying uncontrollably about how much she was missing our dad. There were things she didn't get to tell him, she says, and he shouldn't have died yet. We talked about it all for a bit and when I called her back this evening she said she was feeling better. It just makes me sad to see my family so upset. It's hard for me to hear that raw pain on the other side of the phone. I know we're all feeling it, though, especially as we all try to live with the huge gaping hole in our lives where my dad used to be.
A "friend" on Facebook wrote this as one of her posts today:
"My pet peeves: complaining about a situation that you're in total control of and do nothing to
change it. "oh I'm so over weight... Lets eat some mcdonalds.""
I don't like to make excuses for my weight or my life or anything that I am or should be in control of, but it just makes me wonder why I'm not. Are emotional food issues like drug or alcohol addiction? I feel like I should be in control of my choices...just don't get why I can't (don't, won't...).
I realized over the weekend that something that a friend has been telling me really is true. It's like a "ding, ding, ding" moment. She's been saying for months that I don't prioritize myself, that I put everyone before me. I always agree with her. I do know she's right. But this weekend it really hit me with how much it was true. I feel sometimes like a host body, just moving and acting and getting things done but I'm not really in it. I'm just going through the motions. I realized that I over-promise and under-deliver in my quest to please everyone. Believe me, I know that's the worst. I have such an understanding of boundaries and the need for them but, boy, I must have pretty big lines set around me. I just didn't realize it.
I need to learn how to say that big ol' "NO" more. I need to remember that I am first responsible for my self and my happinness before anything else. I need to believe that, by doing this, I'll have more happinness and success around me.
Today was the last day that I will be drinking soda or sweet tea. One of my meals will be a salad. And I will drink water. And also continue walking. I'm working on baby steps until January when I will restart the Quick Weight Loss diet that I have all the pills and stuff for. It's not perfect but it's a start. And I'm okay with that for now.
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