Current Weight: 322
No posts since May...and obviously no weight loss.
I'm having the roughest time lately and I don't know how to snap out of it. I wish things were as easy as just being able to "snap out of it". Wait, are they? I need focus, I need energy, I need some happiness. I'm working on it, though, and that's sometimes all you can do. I guess.
My dad passed away in July. He and my mom were visiting for the 4th and, after passing out at the airport and having a pacemaker put in, he died in his sleep at my home. It was totally unexpected. I used to talk to him almost every day and I'm feeling more down than ever about not having him here. I never felt like he was the glue that held us all together but somehow that's what it was. My sisters and I worry a lot about my mom and the hold that my brother now has on her. It's created problems that would never be if he were here. It's all too much to write about here, that messy family stuff, but it's all there knocking around in the back of my head and silently consuming energy.
My friends wedding took place a week after my dad's funeral. I got the second dress altered. It fit okay when I went into the seamstress but didn't fit so well when I got dressed at the wedding. Hard to believe I could gain enough weight in just in a few weeks to have such a tight dress. I felt awful and looked awful. Maybe I'll be brave one day and post that picture. I was there for my friend, though, and did all the good friend stuff someone should do. I hope she has a long and happy life with her new husband.
So...my dad died from congestive heart failure. He had it six years ago and was also diagnosed a diabetic. After getting healthy back then, he managed the illness mostly with his diet. He really was pretty healthy at the point that he passed away. Unfortunately, disease takes a toll on the body over time and his heart stopped beating anyway 24 hours after the pacemaker was put in. If that's not a wake up call to get healthy then what is, right??
I joined Quick Weight Loss Center about six weeks ago. Did the online thing to have everything shipped to me. I got all my food and started day one and blew it by that afternoon. Never got to day two. I want to start again but I have a million excuses...Christmas is coming...I have to make cookies for all my clients and how can I not eat them...I'm going to be with my family at Christmas and how can I not be drinking...I do want to make all these pills be useful afterall, right...and so on. I know that it's ridiculous that I should even have an internal debate about when to start a diet but I guess that's the problem when you have weight and eating issues.
I've spent many months feeling down, feeling lost, drowning in the world around me. I truly can't comprehend how I can have such a desire to change something but can't. Nobody's stopping me from exercising or making healthy food choices. I have a choice to not eat crap when I'm upset, right? I'm sabatoging myself and I honeslty can't stand it.
I made a decision this week and I was going to focus on positive and stop dwelling. I'm working on building up my business and am trying not to beat myself up for not getting it done faster. Slow and steady, I guess, wins the race, right? My co-worker and I have decided to start walking here at work during the day. We went today for 20 minutes. I'm trying to at least cut down on the crap and work on trying to find other outlets to handle my stress/anxiety/depression/etc.
I'm turning 40 next December and I CANNOT go into that decade at this weight. I've got to get my act together and I've got to lose this weight. I worry that almost a year ago I said the same thing but something has just got to give on this. I know that if I can just get started that the excitement of losing weight is a great way to keep going. So, my two readers, keep tuned in and follow the journey with me. And if you have helpful suggestions, I'd love the advice.
Until next time (much, much sooner, I promise!),
Bekah
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