The occupiers of my head

Weight:  I stopped checking for the time being.

Random thoughts...

My head is a jumbled up mess with a thousand things knocking around.  I feel like I can mostly focus on what I need to during the day but in those off hours everything comes creeping in and occupies me.  They try to take control and beat me up and wear me down.  I'm like Jekyll and Hyde.

I'm so exhausted.  I am going from the time the baby wakes up in the morning until the baby goes to sleep.  And I'm ready to crash by then, too.  There's no time in my day that is just mine, unless I stay up late.  I just want a little peace that's mine in my day.  Time that's my time.  At a normal hour.  You know?  Are people with kids able to have that in their lives or do I have to wait for a long while to get it?

I have such a respect for single parents and families with multiple children.  I don't know how people do it. 

I spoke to my younger sister this morning.  She was crying uncontrollably about how much she was missing our dad.  There were things she didn't get to tell him, she says, and he shouldn't have died yet.  We talked about it all for a bit and when I called her back this evening she said she was feeling better.  It just makes me sad to see my family so upset.  It's hard for me to hear that raw pain on the other side of the phone.  I know we're all feeling it, though, especially as we all try to live with the huge gaping hole in our lives where my dad used to be.

A "friend" on Facebook wrote this as one of her posts today: 
      "My pet peeves: complaining about a situation that you're in total control of and do nothing to
       change it.  "oh I'm so over weight... Lets eat some mcdonalds."" 
I don't like to make excuses for my weight or my life or anything that I am or should be in control of, but it just makes me wonder why I'm not.  Are emotional food issues like drug or alcohol addiction?  I feel like I should be in control of my choices...just don't get why I can't (don't, won't...).

I realized over the weekend that something that a friend has been telling me really is true.  It's like a "ding, ding, ding" moment.  She's been saying for months that I don't prioritize myself, that I put everyone before me.  I always agree with her.  I do know she's right.  But this weekend it really hit me with how much it was true.  I feel sometimes like a host body, just moving and acting and getting things done but I'm not really in it.  I'm just going through the motions.  I realized that I over-promise and under-deliver in my quest to please everyone.  Believe me, I know that's the worst.  I have such an understanding of boundaries and the need for them but, boy, I must have pretty big lines set around me.  I just didn't realize it.

I need to learn how to say that big ol' "NO" more.  I need to remember that I am first responsible for my self and my happinness before anything else.  I need to believe that, by doing this, I'll have more happinness and success around me.

Today was the last day that I will be drinking soda or sweet tea.  One of my meals will be a salad.  And I will drink water.  And also continue walking.  I'm working on baby steps until January when I will restart the Quick Weight Loss diet that I have all the pills and stuff for.  It's not perfect but it's a start.  And I'm okay with that for now.

Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright

Okay, so maybe it's not Christmas weather out there today but I can't help but be in a good mood with this beautiful weather and warm sun shining down!  Plus, it's Friday!  I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend, some good football and getting the house decorated for Christmas.  This is the first year my son is really aware of the lights and decorations so it'll be fun to watch him enjoy it all.  Christmas is my absolute favorite season.

My co-worker read something to me from a book she has.  The beginning of the quote is "Procrastination is a thief."  Can't find truer words than that.  I need a plan of action here before I allow more time to be stolen from me.

Happy weekend!

I'm drowning...

Current Weight: 322

No posts since May...and obviously no weight loss.

I'm having the roughest time lately and I don't know how to snap out of it.  I wish things were as easy as just being able to "snap out of it".   Wait, are they?  I need focus, I need energy, I need some happiness.  I'm working on it, though, and that's sometimes all you can do.  I guess.

My dad passed away in July.  He and my mom were visiting for the 4th and, after passing out at the airport and having a pacemaker put in, he died in his sleep at my home.  It was totally unexpected.  I used to talk to him almost every day and I'm feeling more down than ever about not having him here.  I never felt like he was the glue that held us all together but somehow that's what it was.  My sisters and I worry a lot about my mom and the hold that my brother now has on her.  It's created problems that would never be if he were here.  It's all too much to write about here, that messy family stuff, but it's all there knocking around in the back of my head and silently consuming energy.

My friends wedding took place a week after my dad's funeral.  I got the second dress altered.  It fit okay when I went into the seamstress but didn't fit so well when I got dressed at the wedding.  Hard to believe I could gain enough weight in just in a few weeks to have such a tight dress.  I felt awful and looked awful.  Maybe I'll be brave one day and post that picture.  I was there for my friend, though, and did all the good friend stuff someone should do.  I hope she has a long and happy life with her new husband.

So...my dad died from congestive heart failure.  He had it six years ago and was also diagnosed a diabetic.  After getting healthy back then, he managed the illness mostly with his diet.  He really was pretty healthy at the point that he passed away.  Unfortunately, disease takes a toll on the body over time and his heart stopped beating anyway 24 hours after the pacemaker was put in.  If that's not a wake up call to get healthy then what is, right??   

I joined Quick Weight Loss Center about six weeks ago.  Did the online thing to have everything shipped to me.  I got all my food and started day one and blew it by that afternoon.  Never got to day two.  I want to start again but I have a million excuses...Christmas is coming...I have to make cookies for all my clients and how can I not eat them...I'm going to be with my family at Christmas and how can I not be drinking...I do want to make all these pills be useful afterall, right...and so on.  I know that it's ridiculous that I should even have an internal debate about when to start a diet but I guess that's the problem when you have weight and eating issues.

I've spent many months feeling down, feeling lost, drowning in the world around me.  I truly can't comprehend how I can have such a desire to change something but can't.  Nobody's stopping me from exercising or making healthy food choices.  I have a choice to not eat crap when I'm upset, right?  I'm sabatoging myself and I honeslty can't stand it.

I made a decision this week and I was going to focus on positive and stop dwelling.  I'm working on building up my business and am trying not to beat myself up for not getting it done faster.  Slow and steady, I guess, wins the race, right?  My co-worker and I have decided to start walking here at work during the day.  We went today for 20 minutes.  I'm trying to at least cut down on the crap and work on trying to find other outlets to handle my stress/anxiety/depression/etc.

I'm turning 40 next December and I CANNOT go into that decade at this weight.  I've got to get my act together and I've got to lose this weight.  I worry that almost a year ago I said the same thing but something has just got to give on this.  I know that if I can just get started that the excitement of losing weight is a great way to keep going.  So, my two readers, keep tuned in and follow the journey with me.  And if you have helpful suggestions, I'd love the advice.

Until next time (much, much sooner, I promise!),
Bekah