"I think 2 of her friends are kinda big"

This was written in an e-mail by the sister of my best friend regarding the selection of bridesmaids dresses for my friend's upcoming wedding. I'm sure she didn't think I (one of the "big" ones) and the other person would see that. It stung. And it made me angry because it seems kind of cruel. After fighting off the urge to 1. write my friend, possibly copying the sisters, with my response to the dress question and adding some snippy comment and 2. eat my way out of my misery, I realized that I could only be angry at myself. She's right: I'm big. They need to worry about dress sizes because I wear a plus size dress and can't shop at the Gap or Ann Taylor or anywhere else they might want to look for cute little bridesmaids dresses. And that sucks.

I don't like talking about my weight. I think in my every day life I don't always feel fat, although I am becoming much more aware of it. I don't ever really stop to look at myself in the mirror. Its not until I see pictures (and I'm married to a photographer!!!) that I just cringe. How could I let myself get so fat? What in the world is wrong with me?? Why can't I get my life under control enough to manage this one aspect of my life? What in the world am I going to do to lose all this weight???

As my best friend plans her wedding, I have a plan as well. My goal is to lose 60 pounds by her wedding in July. It should be manageable if I keep focused on the goal. I have more to lose, obviously, but I work better in steps because the big picture, in this case at least, is overwhelming.

I've been watching what I eat for the last week or so and have been drinking water, apple cider vinegar and honey in the mornings. I've lost 5 pounds. On Monday, I am going to begin two things. First, I'm going to start a 21 day cleanse from the Crazy, Sexy Diet book http://crazysexylife.com/. It's an undertaking but I'm excited about getting started with something new that will help give me a fresh start. Second, I'm also going to start walking for 20 a day.

I'll definitely blog my progress with the cleanse as well as everything I do in my journey to bring my weight to an acceptable level. If you stumble across my blog, I hope you'll leave a message, either to share a bit of your story or to offer support. I'm going need it!

-Bekah