Confession #1: I'm a closet eater

Weight today: 316 [8 pounds lost]

I'm a believer in beginning as I intend to go on.  I did do really well the first week of my cleanse.  I lost 3 pounds in the first 3 days, which brought me to a total of 10 pounds for January.  I was so excited!  I was sure I was "in" it enough to continue with the next 10 pounds in February.  Piece of cake!

And it's always that damn piece(s) of cake that does you in...

So, here's my week: last Saturday I had to go up to my old office because we've moved to another location and we had to get our furniture into storage.  I am dragging more than I can handle and decide to stop at Dunkin's for a cup of coffee.  And if I'm going to get coffee, why not get a bagel to go with it, right?  Yup.  We (the guys we hired, really) finished the moving and I headed off to the grocery store to get something for dinner.  We had a friend coming over to visit!

I veered, once again, off of track and bought chicken.  Not part of the cleanse.  I made lemon chicken - the chicken is cooked in butter and it's in a lemon cream sauce.  So, so delicious but not so healthy!!  I also had a margarita and a cider.  We did have salad with dinner, so I guess that's something....

On to Sunday.  My stepson's birthday.  I did well in the morning and when we went out to dinner I had a Caesar salad and tomatoes with mozzarella.  Dairy (mozzarella) isn't part of the cleanse but still better than other options in an Italian restaurant.  I had no intention of having cake but ended up not being able to resist and had a nice, big piece before I went to bed.

Weekend pretty much blown.  By Monday I had gained back the 3 pounds I'd lost AND I'm not at my 10 pound goal for January.  But a new week brings a new, fresh start, right?  Yah... 

I know, I know, none of this is in the "closet" yet, right?  Well, I went grocery shopping on Monday.  Bought lots of veggies, green drinks, whole wheat goodness and...a box of chocolate chip cookies.  The followed me through the entire store!  I passed by the bakery just fine but there they were in an end-cap that I passed by, like, three times trying to find funky foods I need for these cleanse recipes.  I had to have them.

I got home and nobody was there.  Tore into the cookies and then hid them in a cabinet.  Oh, and I also had another piece of stupid birthday cake.  Tuesday night, when hubby went to the grocery store, I had some more and then put them in the cabinet by my bed.  I was hungry at 3 AM when I was up with the baby and finished them off.  What the hell is wrong with me??

I've never admitted this out loud:  I have a habit of buying foods that aren't healthy - cookies, frosting, candies - and secretly eating them.  I clearly know I shouldn't have them, hence the reason for hiding the eating.  My husband doesn't tell me I shouldn't have it if I just put it in the cabinet, though, it's all me.  I don't want people to know I am eating it.  It's a problem that I don't understand and don't know quite how to fix.  I hope if I just try to continue to focus on my weight loss that I'll be able to stop as I start losing and seeing a difference.

I want to lose this weight.  I don't want to continue to sabotage my weight loss goals.  I want to meet my 60 pound goal for my friends wedding.  I don't want to be secretly eating foods that I shouldn't have.  I need to get my act together and focus on what I need to do.  I know I'll feel better - and healthier - if I do.  Why is it so hard to do all that stuff?

Here are 3 things I am going to do and report back on by Monday:
1.  Exercise for 20 minutes for three of the four days.
2.  1 cup of coffee only and no other sweets, including alcohol, through the day.
3.  Drink AT LEAST 8 glasses of water.  More is better.

It's manageable, right?  Let's hope!

Carpe Vitam, Baby!

Carpe Vitam:  Meaning is Seize the Life or Seize Life

Red Velvet Cake Doughnut

There is a doughnut store near my house that sells the most unusual and delicious donuts.  We, my hubby and I,  missed the last time the red velvet cake was made and have been waiting for it to come back so we could try it.  So, last night they posted that they would be made today and the internal debate began.  The multitude of thoughts that run through my head:  "I haven't technically started my diet..it's not till Monday."  "This is ridiculous, if I can't control myself  how am I going to lose 60 pounds by July?"  "I should just get all this out of my system now because I start my diet next week."  "It's almost on the way to work."  "I really need two doughnuts, so what do I want the other one to be." 

Every day we make choices.  Yes or no.  Stay or go.  Eat crappy food or don't eat crappy food.  This is going to be the year that I make choices that allow me to seize life and all the good, fun, amazing things that come along with it.  It's not just about a diet, although that's a huge component to feeling better and, ultimately, having a good life.  It's about appreciating all that's around me and seizing every opportunity presented to me.  I need to be healthy for that.

And, by the way, I didn't go to the doughnut store.  I had old fashioned oatmeal for breakfast.  And I told my hubby that the doughnuts were made today if he wanted them.  Yay me!  ;o)

-Bekah

"I think 2 of her friends are kinda big"

This was written in an e-mail by the sister of my best friend regarding the selection of bridesmaids dresses for my friend's upcoming wedding. I'm sure she didn't think I (one of the "big" ones) and the other person would see that. It stung. And it made me angry because it seems kind of cruel. After fighting off the urge to 1. write my friend, possibly copying the sisters, with my response to the dress question and adding some snippy comment and 2. eat my way out of my misery, I realized that I could only be angry at myself. She's right: I'm big. They need to worry about dress sizes because I wear a plus size dress and can't shop at the Gap or Ann Taylor or anywhere else they might want to look for cute little bridesmaids dresses. And that sucks.

I don't like talking about my weight. I think in my every day life I don't always feel fat, although I am becoming much more aware of it. I don't ever really stop to look at myself in the mirror. Its not until I see pictures (and I'm married to a photographer!!!) that I just cringe. How could I let myself get so fat? What in the world is wrong with me?? Why can't I get my life under control enough to manage this one aspect of my life? What in the world am I going to do to lose all this weight???

As my best friend plans her wedding, I have a plan as well. My goal is to lose 60 pounds by her wedding in July. It should be manageable if I keep focused on the goal. I have more to lose, obviously, but I work better in steps because the big picture, in this case at least, is overwhelming.

I've been watching what I eat for the last week or so and have been drinking water, apple cider vinegar and honey in the mornings. I've lost 5 pounds. On Monday, I am going to begin two things. First, I'm going to start a 21 day cleanse from the Crazy, Sexy Diet book http://crazysexylife.com/. It's an undertaking but I'm excited about getting started with something new that will help give me a fresh start. Second, I'm also going to start walking for 20 a day.

I'll definitely blog my progress with the cleanse as well as everything I do in my journey to bring my weight to an acceptable level. If you stumble across my blog, I hope you'll leave a message, either to share a bit of your story or to offer support. I'm going need it!

-Bekah